Fourteen

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I slept in a different room for like a week. Wore lipstick officially (a sheer burgundy), but also a French braid for sailing lessons. I didn't say now I am a woman but don't you think a different room and lipstick matter? I wrote poems about specific boys. The bay looked like an engraving. Calais is engraved on my heart was in Girl, Interrupted and so was a description of watching your hand fold up like a monkey's hand when you relaxed it. And if you google Calais is engraved on my heart the first hit is from conservapedia because 1) conservatives hate Catholics 2) conservatives love Catholics 3) conservatives love conquest 4) conservatives hate Girl, Interrupted because conservatives hate women and therefore hate girls and therefore also hate Mary Tudor, whether or not they hate or love Catholics. But her high lace collar. We were beginning to talk about Riot Grrrl so I guess we were political. This is when I decided I don't care who throws a used tampon at me. And I scratched someone's face on a boat, hooking on and embracing like pirates. That must be the last time I drew blood; that must matter too. Women only draw blood from themselves and sometimes throw the blood at someone in the audience. Ten years later someone shot a doctor who performed abortions and I said terrorist and my roommate asked if someone in my family was an abortionist or something. I said we are supposed to hate terrorists. But I would scratch someone's face again on a boat if anyone gave me any encouragement. Then we'd capsize and it would be like a baptism and what would be engraved on our hearts.  And poor Mary Tudor slept in a different room and felt something and lost Calais and maybe conservapedia had no agenda, it's just a famous saying, the wind whipping her lace collar, not knowing about Francis Drake and his blue eyes and pointed face and gorgeous pearl, not thinking at that moment about all the blood.